‘They’re always there for me when I need them…’
‘They always stay back late at work to get the job done…’
‘They’re always thinking of others…’
Selflessness is a trait our society celebrates, mostly without acknowledging the capacity of what we actually have to give. Many of us will have grown up with the idea that being helpful is good and saying no is bad. It's no wonder, then, that when we utter those terrifying words, ‘I can’t’, we can find ourselves overcome with guilt. At Vessel, we’re big believers in boundaries. In preserving our energy for the sake of our mental health and, in turn, our relationships with others. Of course, we’re also no strangers to the guilt that can accompany these limits. We tell ourselves that saying no makes us selfish, that people will no longer like us, or that to be a good partner, friend or colleague, we should always be available. So, we’ve put together a few tools we’ve been putting into practice ourselves lately:
1. Mindful Pausing
Before responding to a request or expectation, pause for a moment. A few deep breaths or taking a short walk can help you move away from an emotionally driven response towards one that is clear, calm and respectful.
2. Reframe ‘Selfishness’
Rather than assuming that prioritising your own needs is selfish, remind yourself that boundaries are a form of respect, both for yourself and others. By avoiding situations where you might feel resentful, burnt out or taken for granted, you're also looking after the long-term health of your relationships.
3. Clear Communication
Be honest, direct and respectful when communicating your boundaries. You don't need an elaborate excuse or an overly apologetic explanation for saying no. A simple ‘I can't take that on right now’ is often enough. Remember that being kind and being firm aren't mutually exclusive.
4. Expect Discomfort
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you're accustomed to putting other people's needs ahead of your own. Rather than treating the guilt and worry you may feel as evidence that you've done something wrong, remind yourself of your values, and acknowledge them as part of learning a new behaviour.
5. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts
Whip out your pen, spritz some Aura Protection around your space and write down a challenge to those thoughts spinning around your mind. Thing about your core values and ask yourself: What would I say if a friend told me they were in this situation? What would happen if I always said yes? Am I responsible for how everyone else feels?
